Don’t Get Angry. Get Published.

“Ye shall know the truth, and it shall set you free.”  Or not.

Below are actual statements Dildo made to me during all the insanity.  Your task is to decide whether Dildo’s assertion is factual.  Indicate your answer by marking a T or F in the blank.  Check your knowledge of the truth according to Dildo with the answers provided.

QUIZ
1. __________ “Our marriage failed because we’re not compatible.”

2. __________ “Dotti thinks I should be in a band because I’m a great singer and have a cute butt.”

3. __________ “Dotti loves having a quickie with me.”

4. __________ “If you really were committed to this marriage, you would wait and see if I could commit to this marriage.”

5. __________ “I deserve another chance.  Everyone gets a fourth chance.”

6. __________ “Liz.  I need a different bond than what you and I have.  Not one, you know, just based on emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs.”

7. ___________ “Dotti will be a great step-mom. The children think she walks on water.”

8. __________ “I didn’t wear a condom because she told me she was clean and that she was taking the pill.”

9. __________ “You’re overreacting!  Dotti would never do anything with the sex tapes we made.

10. __________ “You don’t even believe in divorce.”

ANSWERS
1. True. We weren’t compatible.  Husbands, wives, and girlfriends rarely are.

2. True. Dildo was so encouraged by Dotti praise, he tried out for a band called the Helen Kellers.

3. True.  If she likes sex with Dildo, she likes a quickie.

4. Trick question. Had I stayed “committed” to the marriage, I would have “committed” a homicide, and then been “committed” to a mental hospital.

5. False. The at least four before you’re out the door guideline failed to gain widespread popularity because people find it difficult to keep track of more than three cockups at a time. The simpler zero tolerance policy was adopted for today’s busy, math-challenged public.

6. True.  Dildo’s search for this elusive perfect bond continues despite a recent experiment that landed him in the ER.  The doctor said there was nothing more she could do because that skin is so delicate.  The last tube of Gorilla Glue would eventually have to fall off on its own.

7. False. Even my son, who coordinates his underwear changes with the harvest and his teeth brushing with space shuttle launches, is revolted by Dotti’s breach in tampon disposal decorum. My daughter, who is 20 pounds lighter in mass and makeup and four inches greater in height and propriety than she, is insulted by Dotti’s continued insistence that her “slutty hand-me-downs” will fit.

8. True.  Dotti had showered and was taking Ambien.

9. False. In fact, Dotti is still disappointed that their sex videos she uploaded onto an amateur porn site were removed for lack of viewers.

10. False. I used to not believe in divorce. Now I can’t get enough of it.