Don’t Get Angry. Get Published.

If life imitates art, then my life imitates a play.  It’s part drama, part comedy - a dramedy.  Here are those starring in my little dramedy.

Liz - Deranged divorcee.  Plays the leading role of protagonist.  See “About Your Author“.

Ira - a/k/a Dildo.  Plays the leading role of antagonist.  Most likely a latent homosexual.  Has untreatable Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Happiest when there is chaos.  Possesses no sense of self.  Only redeeming quality is that he earns a living and threw off a couple of good sperm.

Dotti - a/k/a Cra Cra.  Plays the supporting role of Ira’s bitch/girlfriend/secretary/fag hag.  Has unresolved issues with Daddy she attempts to resolve by getting pregnant from her married bosses. Acts like spoiled child when she doesn’t get her way.  Vindictive little bitch.  Liberated me from oppressive marriage. 

Katrina- a/k/a Sister.  Plays the supporting role of my best friend and sister.  At the ready with Xanax, sexual pleasure aids, unlikely advice, and costumes.  You name it, she’s done it.  Verbalizes whatever is on her mind.  Is the perfect combination of crazy, genius, and daring.  Will kick ass for people she loves.  Hates Ira.

Twinkie - Plays supporting role of my other best friend and mother.  Has endless supply of energy, homemade candy, good advice, and cheap white wine.  Hard headed.  Loves life, her friends and family, and any social function of any size, type, or occasion.  Rarely phased by the bizarre or inappropriate due to prolonged exposure to her kooky family.  Hates Ira.

Bill - Plays supporting role of my father.  At the ready with baseball statistics, federal regulations, and conspiracy theories.  Hates Ira but has to spend his energy on keeping my mother and sister from killing him.  Sadly is written out in the second act.

Grandma - Played supporting role of my other, other best friend and grandmother.  Was lovely, loving, crazy, smart, funny, warm, and generous.  To know her was to love her and laugh.  The world was a better place when she was in it.  Hated no one.

Valerie - Plays supporting role of my friend and leader of the pussy posse.  Has ability to make me laugh at myself for hours.  Rock solid.  Will set you straight, regardless of whether you need it. Astute observer of the not-so-obvious.  Best person in the world with whom to undertake a decorating or obscure home improvement project.  Hates Ira and wants to run him over with her huge black Mercedes.

Sammy- Plays supporting role of my friend, stand-in when my sister is not around, and pussy posse member.  Takes no shit.  Has ability to make me laugh when I would rather cry.  Tireless advocate for cosmetic surgery.  Wants to remodel her kitchen to eliminate that useless appliance - the stove.  Gets shit done.  Hates Ira and is hoping Cra Cra will kill him so she doesn’t have to.

Paige- Jill-of-all-trades.  Plays supporting role of my friend, Ira’s antagonist, and pussy posse member.  Her mere existence makes him miserable.  Has ability to make me laugh so hard I pee in my pants.  Is infinitely creative, smart, passionate, loving, caring, and generous.  The world is a better place with her in it.  Best person in the world with whom to undertake a decorating or obscure home improvement project while drinking wine.   Hates Ira, but loves the fact the he is scared of her. 

Sue- Plays supporting role of my friend and gynecologist.  Has warm speculums, hands, and heart.  Is loving, brilliant, compassionate, and passionate.  Easy to talk to and nonjudgmental.  Hates Ira and wants to stab him with a tongue depressor, but can’t because he is her lawyer.

Emmaline - Plays supporting role of my friend.  Has deep love of cocktails and bad men.  Weighs 100 pounds, 80 of which are balls.  Would like to hate Ira but doesn’t have the time.

Faithe- Plays supporting role of my friend.  Has a deep appreciation of life and people.  Keeps it real. Loves politics. Would like to hate Ira but doesn’t believe in hate, just revenge.

Angelica- Plays supporting role of my friend.  Has the richest sense of humor of anyone I know.  Loves her family, even though they drive her crazy.  Can do anything she puts her mind to.  Only person I know who has successfully resolved a personnel issue with this: “You’re a mean little bitch and I don’t like that.  Now, I can take you outside and beat the mean right out of you.  I can make you nice.  Is that what you want?”  Is considering hating Ira when he stops making her laugh. 

Porcine - Ira’s friend/bitch/fag hag/associate of the firm.  Plays supporting role of Ira’s secondary enabler.  Has unresolved Daddy issues she attempts to resolve by blowing her unattainable, married boss, joining his family on vacations, and masquerading as his wife’s companion.

Mitzi - Ira’s mother.  Plays the supporting role of Ira’s primary enabler.  Is a caricature of herself: a gum-smacking, overbearing Jewish mother possessing the intelligence of a house shoe eating cocker spaniel. 

Abner - Ira’s father.  Plays the minor role of Mitzi’s bitch.  Is a caricature of himself, a hen-pecked husband of an overbearing Jewish mother.

Tyrone - the huge, black dildo my sister gave me for my birthday.  Came with the politically incorrect name.  Plays an important behind-the-scenes role.