the Handy Glossary
ass clown /as kloun/
noun not a gay thing. a happy, pathetic jackass with no self awareness.
example: Ira looks like an ass clown in those low rise jeans.
bair /b’·eyr/
noun unsightly hair on a man’s back.
example: Ira may be losing the hair on his head, but he has a full crop of bair.
BALD! /bawld/
adjective hair loss experienced by men who are complete assholes. nice men experiencing hair loss are “starting to lose their hair” or “thinning a bit on top” or “considering Rogaine”.
example: Ira wears baseball caps because he’s BALD!
bass /b’·as/
noun body part created when the back and the ass have fused together.
example: When Ira wears suspenders it unfortunately accentuates his bass.
bunny /buh·nee/
noun nickname Dotti gave Ira, intended to be endearing.
example: My big Bunny wunny. Hop over to Momma.
cra cra /kray kray/
adjective unstable, insane.
example: Ira’s cra cra girlfriend put nails in my tire.
noun a person who is unstable, insane.
example: That cra cra poured bleach on my lawn!
CRS /crs/
noun acronym for the condition known as Can’t Remember Shit.
example: My CRS was acting up today and I forgot my neighbor’s name.
denial /de·ni·uhl/
noun refusing to believe one’s reality
example: I spent so much time living in denial when I was married to Ira, I bought a second home there.
dildo /dil·doh/
noun 1. nickname I gave Ira, not intended to be endearing.
example: Dildo has been driving up and down the street in another car thinking we won’t know it is him.
2. a marital aid.
example: A dildo is a necessity if in bed with Ira.
divorceoplasty /duh·vors·oh·plas·tee/
noun cosmetic surgery women have as a reaction to being separated or divorced, commonly in the form of breast implants and tummy tucks
example: The papers are signed! I need to call the plastic surgeon to schedule my divorceoplasty.
douchebagery /doosh·bag·er·ee/
noun the act of being a douchbag. The act of being a really, really, really big asshole, jerk, or looser
example: Ira stooped to a new level of douchebagery when he refused to pay for the children’s medical expenses.
fucknut /fuhk·nuht/
noun a stupid person, a nitwit.
example: What a fucknut! Who buys their child who lives in the center of the country a $600 surfboard?
gay /gey/
noun a man whose sexual orientation is other men.
example: Ira needs to come out of the closet and admit he is a gay.
adjective 1. relating to a man whose sexual orientation is to other men.
example: Do you think that once Ira admits he is gay, he will have better taste?
2. stupid, ridiculous.
example: Ira says the Tupperware is his. That’s so gay!
gutter tramp /guht·er tramp/
noun a nasty, trashy female
example: Only a gutter tramp doesn’t wrap her used tampon applicator before she throws it into an empty trash can?
hooker /hook·r/
noun a female who is being difficult, playful expression.
example: You’re such a hooker. I can’t believe you ate all the ice cream.
insecurity package /in·suh·ker·uh·tee pak·aj/
noun upgrades men add to their cars in an attempt to compensate for their short comings.
example: Ira ordered the insecurity package because it included pimped out rims.
jizz /jiz/
noun ejaculatory discharge
example: If jizz were meant to be swallowed, it would be served with crackers and a soup spoon.
klassy /klas·ee/
adjective not classy at all.
example: Mitzi is so klassy when she smacks her gum.
Kentucky Flu /ken·tuhk·ee floo/
noun a disabling condition that presents itself after a night of consuming alcohol
example: I had a touch of the Kentucky Flu after drinking those margaritas.
mistake /mis·teyk/
noun a wrong action attributable to ignorance or inattention.
example: Ira made several spellings mistakes in his love notes to Dottie.
nass /n’·as/
noun a critical body part that is missing, no ass.
example: There goes Ira in a Speedo showing his nass.
on-purpose /awn perpuhs/
noun an intentional act that someone tries to pass off as a mistake.
example: Ira says he made a mistake to have an affair with Dotti. I told him that unless he mistook her for me each time he fucked her, it was an on-purpose.
part retarded /pahrt ree·tahrd·uhd/
adjective when someone with an IQ greater than 68 points publicly acts as though s/he should be riding the short bus.
example: When Ira told me he didn’t have to leave my garage because it was public property, I asked him if he were part retarded.
peanut /pee·nut/
noun nickname Ira gave Dotti.
example: Peanut, I want to crack your little shell on my desk.
shair /sh’·eyr/
noun unsightly hair on a man’s shoulders.
example: Ira’s shair has grown down to meet his bair.
shitsters /shahyt·sterzh/
noun when one is plagued by an awful smell, commonly the smell of feces.
example: Ira had the shitsters for the rest of the day after stepping in dog poop.
shlong /sh’·lawng/
adjective when a man’s hair is short on top and long in the back.
example: Ira, Michael Bolton, and the lead singer of the Scorpions wear their hair shlong.
vagine /vuh·zheen/
noun slang. passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.
example: “Dottie, is that your vagine I smell, or did I forget to take out the trash?”
