Don’t Get Angry. Get Published.

My low tolerance was not the only thing that brought about the demise of our marriage.  Dildo was on his 5th therapist.  She opined that our marriage crumbled partly because Dildo was an addict.  Now, what actually transpired between the two, what advice she actually gave him, what insights she actually had, I cannot say.  I can say that most addiction recovery requires self-awareness and growth through a structured, multi-step program.  I can also say his “program” did not appear to be particularly structured, nor insightful, nor focused on recovery.  His “program” did, however, appear to include more than one step.

STEP 1. Admit you have a problem

Liz,
I admit it.  I’m a Love Addict.  I know I am an addict.  I’m fucked up!  I believe I have been in coaddict relationships with Melissa, Amy, John, you, Porcine, my mother, and Dotti.
Ira

Ira,
Love Addict?  Oh Lawd! Let me guess.  You have a new therapist.
Liz

STEP 2. Bamboozle everyone with knowledge of your affliction

Liz,
In order for things to be better I need to confirm that I can love and value myself, so I can love and value you and the other important people in my life.  Please know I am trying so hard to go through this; to work on myself to be aware of what is taking away my peace (being co-dependent, fear, addiction).  I’m trying to lean on myself.  I want to do what I need to do to live life lovingly, honestly, and fearlessly.  I know I am capable.  Need to make sure I love myself first and I believe everything else will fall into place.
Ira

Ira,
I just saw you yesterday.  When did you quit loving yourself first?
Liz

Liz,
I am following the recovery process.  You’ve read that this involves bondries, withdrawal, intervention, recovery.  Hope you can try and see that some of my pain is associated with the addiction.
Ira

Ira,
Don’t ignore that some of your pain might be associated with your inability to use a spell checker.
Liz

Liz,
I am trying to maintain a bondary with you that avoids intensity.  I believe the intensity is what creates a connection for me with you, whether the intensity is good or bad.  I believe that is a part of my addiction.  In responding to your comment, I am trying not to get worked-up emotionally inside.  I am being very careful even with this reply.  But I am trying to think about your reply, and other email, and not feel them.  Not sure if that makes sense, but I think I should stop there.
Ira

Ira,
You should have stopped long before you got “there”.
Liz

PS Spell checker????

STEP 3.  Annoy the shit out of everyone by following therapist’s advice

Liz,
I need to tell you something.  I am trying to separate my real needs that I have because of who I am as a person and the needs I have because of my codependence/addiction.  I think I need to do that so I can know what my real needs are. 
Ira

Ira,
You are so needy you have real needs and fake needs?!
Liz

Liz,
I need to tell you something.  I need to come by and pick up the rest of my things.
Ira

Ira,
Perfect!  I need you to get your shit out of my house.
Liz

Liz,
I need to ask you something.  I need to know what time the soccer game starts?
Ira

Ira,
I need you to look at the soccer schedule all by your needy self.
Liz

Liz,
I need to share something with you.  I am concerned that I do not have enough boxes for all my books.
Ira

Ira,
I need you to close the book on your box of concerns.
Liz

Liz,
I need to share something with you.  I learned this in therapy today and am going to use it when interacting with you.

1. Close my mouth and breathe.

2. Sit on my hands and repeat:
It is none of my business who my partner is.
My partner has a right to be in this world the way she is.
My job is to observe what is going on so that I can truly see who you are and respond in a mature way.
My job is to take care of myself so that I can be safe to you and be present for our relationship.
My job is to refrain from hurting, punishing, attacking, getting even, fighting, or being dishonest.

3. Avoid getting reinvolved in the old addictive process of our relationship.

4. Use a wall of pleasantness.

Ira

Ira,
If you revise #1 to read “Close my mouth and quit breathing”, you won’t have to worry about steps 2-4.
Liz

Liz,
I need to tell you something.  I am not going to make it to the soccer game.
Ira

Ira,
I need to ask you something.  Can we contract that you won’t “tell me something” that you don’t “need to tell me” so you won’t have to preface everything with “I need to tell you something”? 
Liz

Liz,
I am sure it is annoying.  It is an approach that my therapist recommends to help me identify and be aware of my needs.  It makes me observe and not feel when my needs are not met.  I need to tell you that I need to draw a boundary here because I am confused with what I am feeling.
Ira

Ira,
I need to tell you something.  Fuck off!
Liz

PS Hooray for the spell checker!

STEP 4.  Diagnose everyone with same affliction

Liz,
I think you may be in denial about your own love addiction for me.
Ira

Ira,
Hum.  You may be right.  I do love that you’re not here.  I could get addicted to that.
Liz

STEP 5.  Use diagnosis to manipulate everyone and shirk responsibility

Liz,
I am still your husband.  I would have been faithful, but for my addiction.  I hope you are not punishing me by not calling.  I hope you can imagine how cutting me off makes my recovery that much harder for me.  I am the one who needs to take a step back from you.  You should be there for me.  My addiction doesn’t mean we can’t be together. 
Your husband

Ira,
The Grand Canyon.  That’s a perfect place for you to take your first step back.
Liz

Liz,
It is and has been hard for me to be alone.  My heart is racing now thinking about it.  If I gave in to what I am feeling I would race there right now, run to you, hold you, kiss you, and tell you how much I want to be with you.  All of which would be true.  Give me another chance.  We can make it work this time.  Your tolerance was low, that’s all, baby.
Your loving husband

Ira,
As tempting as it is to allow a self-absorbed, maniacal, heartless, putrid, pathetic excuse for a man as yourself back into my life, I’m gonna have to say NO!
Your soon-to-be ex-wife

STEP 6.  Deceive everyone

Liz,
Please don’t think I have gone back to Dotti.  I cannot stop thinking about you.  My head feels swollen.  Baby, I really am trying to do the right thing and respect your boundries.  I will wait to hear from you and do everything I can to keep from calling and come running back to you and saying I commit.  I don’t want to live life without you. 
Your husband   

Accidentally sent to me 5 minutes after receiving the above.

P-nut,
Please don’t think I have gone back to her. She will be out of my life soon. I cannot stop thinking about you. I dream about us being together forever. My head feels swollen. Baby, when can I see you? I want to come running to you now.
Bunny

Ira,
Should I forward this to Dotti?

P-nut,
Please don’t think I have gone back to her. She will be out of my life soon. I cannot stop thinking about you. I dream about us being together forever. My head feels swollen. Baby, when can I see you? I want to come running to you now.
Bunny

Liz

PS It seems your spell checker is not the only problem you are having with e-mail.

STEP 7.  Stun everyone with ridiculous lies

Q. And you’re working with a therapist on your love addiction; is that correct?
A. Yes.  On love addiction and co-dependency.
Q. And you have, in fact, told Ms. Darcy, have you not, that you were in a, quote, “co-addict” relationship with Melissa?
A. Yes.
Q. Who is Melissa?
A. An ex girl friend from high school.
Q. Were you in a co-addict relationship with Amy?
A. Yes.  She’s also an ex girl friend from high school and college.
Q. Were you in a co-addict relationship with John?
A. Yes.  That was my best friend in high school.
Q. And he has nothing else to do with you, does he?
A. No.  He doesn’t.
Q. In fact, he chose to terminate and end any friendship that the two of you had.
A. Yes.
Q. And that was based upon?  
A. I have no idea.
Q. And you are in a co-addict relationship with one of the associates who works for you at your firm, Porcine Ford?
A. No.
Q. Did you not tell Ms. Darcy that?
A. Never.
Q. Really? Why don’t you take a look at the e-mail in front of you from you to Ms. Darcy?
A.  I don’t recall sending this.
Q. You also told Ms. Darcy that you are in a “co-addict” relationship with Dotti Mendoza.  Correct?
A. No.
Q. Are you sure?
A. I don’t recall that.
Q. Did you ever tell her that in an e-mail, the e-mail in your hand?
A. I don’t recall telling her that.
Q. Are you a love addict?
A. I believe I am.
Q. And, one of the characteristics of an addict is that they lie, isn’t that correct?
A. No.

There is no STEP 8.  If there were, I think it should be “Apologize to everyone”

Everyone,
I am so sorry I have ruined the pleasure you once found in watching Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” video.  I deeply regret the image of those beautiful women in short, black dresses sexily playing guitars, that got many a young man through puberty, has been forever tainted. I know the vision of my ugly puss on the bodies of those luscious ladies is enough to make anyone celibate. Please try to forgive me even as you vomit out your nose from the thought of my trying to seduce you by licking my red, glossy lips.
Yours truly,
Dildo

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 6th, 2008 at 5:34 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can also trackback from your own site.